| The Savior and the Martyr |
[12 Oct 2008|09:45am] |
All hail the Savior!
He is wise and strong;
He perseveres when others give up;
With his glorious armor, high atop is horse;
He shall save us from this miserable world!
He shall pull us out of this mire!
All hail the Savior!
Alas, can it be; our Savior has failed?
Is it so; our Savior has fallen?
All hail the Martyr!
Dry your eyes for he was noble;
He was righteous and good!
He has not failed;
He has succeeded in that he never gave up!
His life is an example for all!
All hail the Martyr!
Alas, can it be; our Martyr is false?
Is it so; our Martyr lived a fruitless life?
Woe to our Martyr!
He lived a lonely life;
He disliked most of his admirers;
He admired few but feared their intimacy!
He did not have a home;
He did not belong to any place.
He toiled not for good;
He toiled to escape discovery;
He fought because he feared failure.
Alone, he was filled with sorrow;
He could not show this weakness.
He could not save us;
He could not save himself.
Woe to our Martyr!
|
|
| Vent...Rant...Whatever you want to call it. |
[27 Oct 2007|10:41pm] |
Last night was fun, I hung out with people till around 2 am. I woke up at 11 today...meaning I got 9 hours sleep. Then, I spend all of today laying on the couch watching various movies and falling in and out of sleep, all the while eating snacks and meals. Despite the hundred or so things I have on my to do list, I spent the entire day doing absolutely nothing. This continued until around 1015pm when I decided to wake up and go for a walk. I walked for about 30 mins and had some time to think.
Lately, I have been exhausted...constantly. Sleeping only makes me more tired. This is something that has not gone unnoticed by my friends. But I don't think it is that I am tired so much as I am annoyed by my lack of productivity.
I was talking with Andrea the other day and I commented on the fact that I get anxious at times where I never used to have anxiety. Like we were out to dinner and were talking before we had ordered anything. I love talking and was not particularly hungry, but part of my wanted to just stop talking and find what we wanted to eat so we could order, eat and get out. This bothered me because I do enjoy the conversation and I should never take my friends for granted; my friends are the most important part of my life!
She has for some time now thought my tiredness to be chronic fatigue, or some other medical condition. We had discussed depression, and dismissed that earlier (though I may want to reconsider this based on my thoughts from tonight's walk). She also mentioned on another occasion that I could be tired because I am always working. At my new job, I never take breaks and almost always stay at least 30 minutes late, even though my boss told me not to stay later than 8 hours; Andrea called me a workaholic.
Tonight I realized that the unusual anxiety, along with my "workaholic" behavior and "chronic fatigue", could all be caused by the same thing. When I think of how I spend my time: I get up a 6:30, get ready and go to work from 8am till 5:30pm. I usually go to my friend's house and hang out and spend time with them; get food and help them run errands if they need. I then go home and try to get to bed by 11pm so I can get up and do it all over again. The thing is, I never do go to bed by 11, its usually more like 1am. Most days I arrive home around 11 (usually half awake while doing so), but even then do not go to bed, I stay up till 1 when i finally convince myself to go to bed because I am falling asleep on the couch. This is even true of the days that I go straight home after work; I sit on the couch doing nothing all night till 1. I am pretty sure this has something to do with the fact that I am so irrelevant; in my eyes, I am either unnecessary or 100% replaceable.
I go through my life pretending to be something wonderful and most people praise me for it, but I am nothing special. Nothing I do is hard. Most of what I am is fake, I show people what they want to see; I pretend that I am some great person who treats everybody with such kindness and works hard and goes out of his way to help people out. But this is nothing new, I hint at it often. "I wear my uniform well." When my parents comment on how proud they are of me and that I am "so smart" I usually respond with "no, I am just good at pretending." When I say this, I am not being modest, I am pretending. The bad thing is that sometimes, even I get caught up in the act, I start to believe this facade and when I remember the truth, it comes crashing down. For example, this entry is nothing new for me, I have written at least two other entries just like this, if not more.
But why do I think I am so unnecessary, so replaceable? Everything I do has very little affect on people. All the people "I go out of my way" to help, well truth is I do that not for them, but for me so I can feel like I mean something to someone; truth is that if I was never involved with their life, they would be just fine. They were fine before they ever knew me, I just throw myself into their situations so I can make myself feel like I am helping; I usually sit there clueless as to what to do while they show my step by step until they just end up doing it themselves anyways. But it makes me look good! YAY for Tyler!
This is the same with the hundreds of things that I have on my to do list...they never get done, no matter how easy they all are; there is a reason there are so many after all. But I have the excuse of "I spend my entire day working and have no free time, always helping others. And when I'm not working, I am so tired..." This too is bullshit, in a way. In a way, I am a bit of a workaholic. I like working because when I am at work, it is so much easier to convince myself that I am being productive and helping out the company, at least this is how I feel when I am busy at work. In all truth, there are hundreds of other engineers like me who are just as qualified for the job...I just happened to be available and asking for the lowest salary. It would not be difficult for my company to find another engineer to replace me. But at least at work, I know that I am doing what needs to be done and if things are slow, that is not because I am being unproductive, but because the company has nothing for me to do.
Sleep is similar in a way. When I am asleep, there is no fraud. I am doing what is expected of my to do...absolutely nothing. And like I said before, I always have a great excuse for being tired...
I know this sounds like a big pity party...I do not mean it that way. In no way do I mean to complain about my life or my friends or my job or any of that; I could not ask for a better situation to be in. If I didn't like my job, or friends anything else around me, I would change it. What I don't like is the way I have been acting lately; it needs to stop! And I mean for it to stop.
This doesn't mean that I will stop being nice to people and "going out of my way" for them, because even if they would be able to survive without me, it does still help them to have someone there with them to just talk to.
I guess I'm just writing to vent a little and get my thoughts down on "paper".
I do love my life and I love my friends...Thank you all.
|
|
| Pointless day |
[31 Oct 2006|03:57pm] |
75% of the people at my work are not here today; this includes my boss and everybody else I could possibly report to. They are at some seminar that none of them want to be at, yet all of them are required. Normally, it would be a nice day at work having them gone, but I am not able to do any work seeing that I am waiting for parts to be made in our machine shop. I have nothing to do until then. This is the reason I took a three hour lunch. Left at 10am and got back at 1pm, give or take. My lunch was nice, but I spent the majority of it in traffic. I am in such an odd mood currently. Annoyed with myself because I am letting myself get annoyed...with myself. Evil cycle which is easy to break, but I don’t want to right now. I want to bitch, but I have no real reason.
I guess, what it comes down to is the fact that I do not like to see my friends unhappy. I turn my concern for them into concern for myself because I would rather I suffer in the place, than just watch them sitting there in misery. But I am not able to take away their pain and suffer for them, which brings me pain; a pointless pain. I am God, but why can't I be Jesus?
|
|
| Be patient... |
[29 Jul 2006|11:28pm] |
|
I must keep reminding myself of this
|
|
| fucking work |
[28 Jul 2006|10:04pm] |
so I told my boss today that I would be leaving in two weeks to start my new job and they started giving me some huge guilt trip. how unprofessional can they get? I told them I would at least hear their offer, but I dont think I will accept. I know that they do not care about the happiness of their employees and that it is not the direction in which I want to take my career.
So yeah, fuck that
|
|
| Fuck yeah! |
[26 Jul 2006|06:18pm] |
|
So yesterday I was offered a job by this place in Fullerton called Adam's Rite Aerospace. Kinda funny because my bro's name is Adam Wright...haha. Anyways, it fuckin rocks because I like the place a lot and they pay quite well! So yeah...theres that
|
|
| last night |
[22 Mar 2006|06:30pm] |
|
so I was super emo last night. I went to bed at 730 but didnt really fall asleep until around 10ish. I was laying in bed contemplating a few certain things when I began to hear this song. It was very subtle but I was able to make out a few words. They were not in english, the first two words sounded Chinesse and the rest sounded Japanesse. I left them on a voicemail because I knew that I would forget them (which I already have) but I would like to save that voicemail. I wonder if they mean anything. I do not like the mindstate that I was in last night, but I feel that sometimes it is necessary.
|
|
| blah blah blah...dont mind me |
[08 Mar 2006|08:06pm] |
so many secrets
so many rules
of course i have questions, you tell me nothing
fuck the empress
where the fuck is the fool?
im stuck out here...alone...fuck it
so many rules
no pressure
what you do will affect the lives of 7 people...no, more
no pressure
this should be fun
this is the time of your life
you have a great future ahead of you
all that is bad in your life is temporary
yeah well so is the good
exactly, so enjoy the good while it lasts
IM TRYING TO!!
so many FUCKING secrets...too many FUCKING rule
you're such a great guy
yeah, thanks
(I wrote this when I was angry...sorry)
|
|
| Hate |
[28 Feb 2006|11:30am] |
I am filled with hate today. I know why, but I do not like it. I should not be in a hateful mood, I should be in a happy mood. I want to be happy on this day. I know that I will calm down once I am around those that I care for. Fucking isolation...fucking school.
Okay, yeah, thats all for now.
|
|
| A Day at the Pond |
[21 Feb 2006|05:23pm] |
Walking back to the inn, I thought to myself, “After such a busy day, I think shall have a peaceful rest before dinner.”
But as I step into the lobby, I hear the sounds of a great commotion. Investigating the clamor, I find the inn manager quite distraught. It appears that some person has left bread crumbs all over the new rug in the lobby.
“What has happened here?” I asked the manager.
“Earlier this evening,” the manager replied, “an elderly gentleman came into the lobby with a loaf of bread. He began to tear pieces off of the loaf, and just let them fall to the ground, all over our new rug. The gentleman did this repeatedly until the bread was spent. He then left.”
“Oh dear, I do hope you will accept my apologizes for this mess sir?” I said to the manager.
“You see,” I told him, “this morning, minutes after I left the inn, I was approached by an elderly gentleman asking to buy a loaf of bread. He told me that he was planning on spending the day at the pond, feeding the ducks, and enjoying the weather. Considering as I had seven loafs, I agreed.”
“I see,” said the inn manager.
“The gentleman selected a fine loaf of pumpernickel, rather, perhaps it was marble rye, I do not remember; it matters not. I told him that the price would be a dollar and a quarter; which he agreed to.
“We made the exchange, my bread for his money, and we went our own ways.”
“So you see, sir, I am at fault for the vandalism done to the new rug in the lobby. I do wish to make clear my lament for being involved in such a heinous act.
“You see, I never would have agreed to the transaction if I had known elderly gentleman’s true agendum; I would never take part in such town foolery.”
|
|
| Crazy Shit |
[23 Jan 2006|08:44pm] |
The other day my roommate showed me the music video for Beck - Hell Yes. I had not seen it before since I do not watch much MTV anymore (not like they play videos on there anyways). But that is besides the point. For those of you who have not seen the video, click here Beck - Hell Yes Those robots are the latest thing from Sony. There are only 4 in existance. Check out these video's too QRIO (The one with the kids in it is rad)
I am sure most of you will not be as excited, but I thought I would share anyways.
|
|
| my freaking GOD! |
[18 Jan 2006|11:15pm] |
|
okay, so I am taking this class. it just so happens that this class is the most difficult class in the whole curriculum for my major. I just got home from working on the hw that is due tomorrow. this would not be strange, except for the fact that I started at 2. this will not be fun.
|
|
| The Swords of Love and Hate |
[09 Jan 2006|04:39am] |
There is one single truth about myself. A truth that I have known for a long time now; I contain within me both the greatest love and the greatest hate. In the early hours of this day, Monday, the ninth of January in the year two thousand and six, I embedded this love and hate into two simple instruments.
The Creation of Love and Hate
In the evening of January 8, 2006, I was called to visit a dear friend whom wished to spend some time in my company. I was more that happy to do so. My friend and I decided to go for a drive. Being a Sunday evening, most public places had closed. After a little wandering, we can across a shop that was still open.
Knowing that we would not find any other shops that were open, we decided to see all that this establishment offered. In wandering through the shop, we came across two swords, the shells of what would later become the swords of love and hate.
After some time, the shop announced that it would be closing, so we purchased our selected items and went home. At the residence of my companion, we spread out our purchased items and began to clean the room.
Just then my friend, whom had some rather bothersome happenings recently got a message which was deeply disturbing. My companion had not read the whole message, but she thought it had contained the Magik of the elders. In hearing this, I decided that I must try to help ward off this Magik. I asked permission to use my own personal Magik to help defend and was granted permission.
I began to think of how I could best help defend against this Magik, when I saw the swords we had bought earlier. I knew there was a reason for our wanderings. This reason became perfectly clear. I then proceeded to endow those swords with my greatest characteristics; I created Love and Hate.
I had decided to empower these instruments so that my Magik will be readily available when needed. You see, my personal Magik is never invasive. My Magik is never used against a person’s will. The creation of these instruments, however allow my Magik to be available on demand and yet will remain dormant when not wanted.
Within half and hour’s time of my creating Love and Hate, they saw their first battle. This was not my battle to fight, but I could aid by leading the new instruments into the battle to help my companion. The instruments worked just as I had hoped. As the battle went on, I was only able to sit by and observe and I was almost blown away. Just observing this battle from a distance, I had almost blacked out.
The Characteristics of Love and Hate
The twin swords are just that; twins. They were given life on the same date, Love coming a few minutes before Hate. They are not identical twins, but fraternal. In fact, they are brother and sister. The sex of each sword can be identified by the color of the sheath in which it is held. Although this is a clear way to tell the swords apart, exactly which color is male and which is female is known only by myself, and the next time I rise, I will have forgotten this information.
The specific characteristics of each sword will not be revealed, but there are a few key ideas that must be known. First off, despite their juvenile appearances, each sword is a great instrument unto itself, however they perform best when used together. If the two swords are used against each other, since they are equally as powerful, no hard will come to either person wielding these swords.
In fact, when these swords are used against one another, their powers grow. This is advantageous so that one can gain power by practicing with an ally. This can also be helpful when one encounters an unknown opponent. To find the intentions of the unknown person, simply offer them one of the swords and ask to spar. From their actions, one can find their true intentions and remain safe, all the while gaining power.
One might also ask the question, “Since the identity of the sword is known by the sheath, what happens if the swords are placed into the wrong sheath?” Well, the fact of the matter is, the two swords are the same, their power and identity truly come from the sheath in which it was last held. If Love is placed in Hate’s sheath, it become Hate, and vice versa. And if one of the sheaths is lost, then the sword will retain the identity of whichever sheath it was last held.
Lastly, one must remember that they are brother and sister. At times it will appear as though they are working against each other, but with these instruments, there is more than meets the eye. Despite any apparent conflict between the two, when they come together, they are unstoppable.
|
|
| new car |
[17 Dec 2005|11:30pm] |
|
my new car is so much better that my old one! dont get me wrong, my last one was a good car and lasted me a long while, but i mean shit i will now get double the milage as my last car!
|
|
|
[05 Dec 2005|08:25am] |
fear is rediculous. i understand why people experience. what i dont understand is their reaction to it. why do they let it control them so? bad things happen all the time, there is no avoiding it. why worry about it? dont worry...i know the answer...whatever you are worrying about...its going to happen...so stop worrying and just live your life.
and yes i am being vague, but thats the point, i am not speaking to any single person.
|
|
| Live in the Now |
[01 Dec 2005|08:31pm] |
When is Now?
Now is no longer Now.
Now is now then.
When will Now be Now?
Never, Soon is now Now.
But I thought Soon is soon?
It is, but now Soon is Now.
So Soon is now Now?
Yes.
Since Soon is Now, then Now is Soon?
No.
Now is now Then.
But if Soon is Now, and Now is Then, then Soon is Then?
No.
Soon is Soon.
And Soon is Now?
Yes.
And Now is Then?
Then is Then, Now?
No, Then is Then and will always be Then.
Then when is Now?
Soon.
|
|
|
[01 Dec 2005|08:04pm] |
|
I feel rather i'll...just in time for finals. YAY! oh well...shit happens...haha
|
|
|
[20 Nov 2005|10:52pm] |
|
Last night I went over to Andrea's for a bit. I had made plans to go rock climbing the next day (today) and so I was to leave her house that night and go to my bro's apt. Fearing that I might fall asleep on the road, I asked Andrea to fix me some of her "wakey wakey tea." I leave her house around 1am and get to my brother's apt at 230. He had left the door open for me. But due to her tea, I was not prepared to go to bed. Another side affect of this tea, in combination with the medatative properties of traffic and the enerdies from the nights previous conversations, is an ability to achieve a higher mental capacity and actually organize my thoughts into clear, rational statements. So I went to Savon and bought a 6x4 , 50 sheet notepad. From 2:30 till 6:30, I sat in my car (I needed the light) listening to music and writing my current thoughts; thoughts that I had been meaning to write out for a long time. However, at 6:30 I went into the apt when there was enough light coming through the windows. Unfortunately, my bro and others wake up right as I was getting to the most important and meaningful aspect of my current writing. Until this point, I was very happy with my work. Dont get me wrong, my writing was nothing amazing, but I was glad to get my thoughts out in a clear manner. But once they woke up, I was no longer able to concentrate on my writing and was not able to complete my thoughts. Perhaps I will have to wait till later to finish. So then I go climbing with my bro and others, always an interesting experience when you have been up for 24 hours. I have now been awake for 36 hours, once again. I really like this tea, but I can only handle it on occasion.
|
|
|
[07 Nov 2005|08:19am] |
I called someone at 8 to see if they wanted to get some tea...they did not answer.
I fell asleep a few minutes later wearing jeans and a t-shirt...I was not comfortable.
I guess I had forgotten to brush my teeth...I had not planned to sleep so early.
My roommate came into my room and turned on the lights...I told him to get the fuck out.
I did not sleep very well at all...I was not really tired.
I woke up at 8 wearing jeans and a t-shirt...I was not comfortable.
My teeth were gross...I had forgotten to brush before bed.
I am waiting for class right now...my apartment is so quiet.
|
|
| navigation |
| [ |
viewing |
| |
most recent entries |
] |
| [ |
go |
| |
earlier |
] |
|
|
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
iidemosthenesii's journal